Musings and Mutterings

The past year has been unreal. Like, I sit and think about everything that has happened, and it doesn't seem as though all of these should be able to fit in the span of the last year... but somehow, they did. A year ago, I was marveling to myself that despite all the stress of having my son diagnosed with autism and being unable to get him services, working full time on night shift and sleeping shockingly little amounts, running all the time, and being in the most challenging class of my nursing career-- despite all this, I had not been fainting. Or even nearly fainting, because at that point, I had only truly fainted a few times in my life. But each time was brought on by stress. Usually extreme stress. I had daily near fainting and "POTS" symptoms in college- but it was brushed off due to stress and I was sent to a psychologist. Which in truth was fine, because I have also always suffered from major depression. I met with this therapist weekly for months. I told her fo...

Today, May 1, I ran 3 miles. At the gym, on the dreadmill, with a couple walk breaks. But overall, it felt A.M.A.Z.I.N.G . I didn't really feel like going, which isn't typical of me at this point in my exercise journey. I am just dying to go and run, and push myself, and DO it, since it has been so long of a convalescence and being unable to do so much. A month ago, I couldn't walk a half mile. A couple weeks ago, I was still fainting daily. A couple months ago, I had taken down all running paraphernalia from my Wall of Pride- my medals from my races, the bibs, the race pictures. All sore reminders of things that seemed unlikely to ever happen again. Walking, standing, sitting... just being were all big challenges. I could not drive by a canal on a Saturday or Sunday and not feel pangs of jealousy or defeat. I Want to be out there- tackling the long run. Unless you have tried to be a distance runner, I think it is difficult to describe "the long run." The point...

The last week has been a rough one, health-wise especially, on a few different levels. Doctor visits, medication changes, and new side effects to deal with. Combine this with the "life stuff" and it is just beyond overwhelming, frustrating, and isolating. Between everything, it is easy to feel as though life is spinning out of control and soon everything is about to fly apart. I've been living in   that place this week. And I've gone a little crazy I think. Actually, I'm pretty sure I have. Thankfully, I have the choice to step away from the crazy train and spinning ride, and refocus on the faith that grounds me to reality. Which is kind of a weird thing, and definitely a "peace that passes all understanding." In the current crazy train of this chronic illness, there is a real possibility that I may lose everything- I've exhausted all resources and have no way to make it through this month. I don't have the finances to pay the bills, I've ...

Last summer after being diagnosed with POTS- a disorder that caused me to faint and experience life limiting symptoms constantly, to say that I struggled is a vast understatement. I did not slip into a depression, I fell head-first. That feeling of being so empty, its just beyond difficult to cope with and overcome. I remember reading once that depression is the continual inward focus on self, and that if you can move your focus outward, you can begin to move toward recovery. I don't know if this is true for everyone in all depressive circumstances, but it was for me this last summer. I began a gratitude journal, and this paradigm shift was what I needed to move me from empty to full again. I think that remembering the power that positive can have on your entire existence and those around you is the point of what I am called to do with my life. It is who I am created to be, and it drives me. I need to remember this power, and weed out the negative both external and internally. Ne...

New Years brings resolutions, and this year was no different for me. In the past, I had the typical resolutions of diet and exercise- which always fail spectacularly, usually within an embarrassing few weeks. One year I made the resolution to be more intentional in my life, and honestly, I came out of that year changed and more aware. Resolutions aren't all bad. This year, having been through some legit craziness in past 11 months, I planned to journal. Not in the religious "I must stick to this or I fail at life and just quit" like dieting or exercising often tends to go, but in the "if I make it work today, great; if not, then there's tomorrow" mentality. Actually, the diet and exercise might succeed if I could keep the journaling mentality...     Any way, I started out ok. Then more than life happened. Crisis struck. Emergency function mode began and continued for about 6 weeks.     Journal... What journal? Oh yeah. Well, I didn't even eat or sh...