Stop and Walk Away
The past year has been unreal. Like, I sit and think about everything that has happened, and it doesn't seem as though all of these should be able to fit in the span of the last year... but somehow, they did. A year ago, I was marveling to myself that despite all the stress of having my son diagnosed with autism and being unable to get him services, working full time on night shift and sleeping shockingly little amounts, running all the time, and being in the most challenging class of my nursing career-- despite all this, I had not been fainting. Or even nearly fainting, because at that point, I had only truly fainted a few times in my life. But each time was brought on by stress. Usually extreme stress. I had daily near fainting and "POTS" symptoms in college- but it was brushed off due to stress and I was sent to a psychologist. Which in truth was fine, because I have also always suffered from major depression. I met with this therapist weekly for months. I told her for months how I didn't feel value in my life and I wanted it to end. She knew at our last session, I was lying to her when I said I wouldn't do anything that weekend. And she was right.
I withdrew from college, moved home with my family, and then to Arizona with them. A fresh start is what people called it. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I fainted many times during this time frame. The chest pain was unreal. But I promised to not try to kill myself again, mostly because I felt guilty. I did what I thought I was supposed to. I saw a doctor, we tried new medications. I saw a counselor, we talked. I prayed every day that God would take this away from me, but He didn't. My number one wish throughout my life has been to not be alive anymore... and that is kind of sad.
It got somewhat better when I started dating my ex, that new relationship bliss makes everything better. But it wasn't lasting. Eventually the newness wears off and you are just left with whatever you brought with you. Obviously the relationship didn't last. And that was the next time I had near fainting. Also lots of stress. I had thoughts then of ending it, but I had the boys, and not too long later, I would have my little girl. Having her on my own- super stressful.
But, this year has been its own level of stress.
I have had periods when I had to send my children to other people, because I cannot safely take care of them. I had just started to get to a point in my job that I felt valued for my experience and knowledge, and I was unable to work. And felt forgotten by those I worked with. Every attempt to get back to working has been a failure, ending in more time off and a further fractured confidence, as well as worsening of the health issues that caused me to be off in the first place. This has brought me alarmingly close to financial ruin, and teetering on that ledge is a new experience of doom for me. I have been unable to do what I want physically, and 2 months ago- could not walk a quarter mile without needing to rest. That is a tough one to take for any young person, especially someone who has been active and is depended upon. More times than I even know, I have thought and wished for it to end. In the past year, I have planned to end it no less than 3 times. I had planned it out. But literally have had to walk away to stop myself.
There have been so many times, when I just feel all alone in this battle. And not because no one knows. Each of my closest people in my life know, to some degree. But it isn't easy to walk alongside someone with depression. I know this. One of my children has it. And it takes painful levels of patience and love. I spend every day trying to make sure he gets the help he needs, so that he does not suffer his whole life. Or at least if he does suffer, he will hopefully have the tools to be able to deal and walk away too.
I withdrew from college, moved home with my family, and then to Arizona with them. A fresh start is what people called it. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I fainted many times during this time frame. The chest pain was unreal. But I promised to not try to kill myself again, mostly because I felt guilty. I did what I thought I was supposed to. I saw a doctor, we tried new medications. I saw a counselor, we talked. I prayed every day that God would take this away from me, but He didn't. My number one wish throughout my life has been to not be alive anymore... and that is kind of sad.
It got somewhat better when I started dating my ex, that new relationship bliss makes everything better. But it wasn't lasting. Eventually the newness wears off and you are just left with whatever you brought with you. Obviously the relationship didn't last. And that was the next time I had near fainting. Also lots of stress. I had thoughts then of ending it, but I had the boys, and not too long later, I would have my little girl. Having her on my own- super stressful.
But, this year has been its own level of stress.
I have had periods when I had to send my children to other people, because I cannot safely take care of them. I had just started to get to a point in my job that I felt valued for my experience and knowledge, and I was unable to work. And felt forgotten by those I worked with. Every attempt to get back to working has been a failure, ending in more time off and a further fractured confidence, as well as worsening of the health issues that caused me to be off in the first place. This has brought me alarmingly close to financial ruin, and teetering on that ledge is a new experience of doom for me. I have been unable to do what I want physically, and 2 months ago- could not walk a quarter mile without needing to rest. That is a tough one to take for any young person, especially someone who has been active and is depended upon. More times than I even know, I have thought and wished for it to end. In the past year, I have planned to end it no less than 3 times. I had planned it out. But literally have had to walk away to stop myself.
There have been so many times, when I just feel all alone in this battle. And not because no one knows. Each of my closest people in my life know, to some degree. But it isn't easy to walk alongside someone with depression. I know this. One of my children has it. And it takes painful levels of patience and love. I spend every day trying to make sure he gets the help he needs, so that he does not suffer his whole life. Or at least if he does suffer, he will hopefully have the tools to be able to deal and walk away too.
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